Once more, the Hollywood Foreign Press Corps has forced us into an emergency situation, therefore I am announcing the champions for the 1996 Drive-In Academy Awards one week early. The belated statement this year ended up being considered to be hampering comfort efforts both in Bosnia as well as the Golan Heights, as otherwise cooperative events became grumpy while waiting for term from Grapevine.
Henceforth, without further adieu, our category that is first is.
Best Airhead Sex movie Turnaround, an erotic jungle-sex comedy about an unemployed actress who daydreams about consuming hallucinogenic jungle juice with nekkid Indians and having crazy intercourse like they do in paperback novels. She gets her opportunity whenever she actually is chased by masked gunmen to your Costa Rican valley regarding the white-faced, sex-crazed, flesh-worshipping, cuckoo-juice-drinking natives.
Most readily useful Director The runners-up are. Kim Henkel, Return associated with Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Jack Perez, America’s Deadliest Residence Movie. Fred Olen Ray, Attack of this 60-Foot Centerfold. Anthony Waller, Mute Witness. Howard Winters, Dead Boyz Cannot Fly. Together with champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception and Street Angels.
Most readily useful Sci-Fi Flick Cyberstalker: fundamental Instinct fulfills Tron in Newt Gingrich’s nightmare that is worst, the story of a nerdy, geeky cybersurfing femme fatale who loves her computer a great deal she’s got intercourse along with it and becomes half-woman, half-computer, then kills whomever doesn’t always have the appropriate respect for awesome pc pc software.
Most useful Actor The runners-up are. Danny Bonaduce, America’s Deadliest Residence movie, once the video clip nerd whom falls in deep love with the weapon moll for a killing spree that is cross-country.
Robert Davi, The Dangerous, as a motorcycle-riding lone wolf who talks Japanese and knows the feelings of killer ninjas, so that the police chief brings him away from your retirement and turns him loose with a few attack tools in a cemetery saturated in medication goons.
While the champion is. George Saunders, Intimate Deception, once the artist that is haunted by nekkid women that can not understand just why he gets a great deal intercourse in one film; and Street Angels, while the wisecracking cop who makes long speeches concerning the fighting abilities of seafood.
Most useful Actress The runners-up are. Debbie Rochon, Abducted II: The Reunion, once the junk-food-eating redhead whom describes her old boyfriend by saying, “we like pets. “
Kathy Shower, Married People, solitary Intercourse 2: For Better or more serious, due to the fact ignored spouse packing up all her stuff, placing the children into the place wagon, and having far from the lying no-good scumball she’s hitched to.
Plus the winner is. Steen, Turnaround, because the blonde that is oversexed daydreams about planing a trip to Costa Rica, consuming some weird jungle medications, and having intercourse to a nekkid Indian as he finger-paints all over her body–but settles for hot intercourse with goofball con man Fred Lehne.
Breast Actress The runners-up are. Paula Barbieri, The Dangerous, due to the fact girlfriend that is mysterious wears a micromini and high heel shoes through the entire flick, like the scenes where she actually is being chased by mobsters with automated tools.
Lissa Boyle, buddy regarding the Family, while the daughter that is hot-to-trot at the senior high school as being a United Method Agency; and Intimate Deception, whilst the knockout nude model who really loves her work, saying, “we have a look at myself as an important ingredient within the art of creation. “
Theresa Morris, personal classes: Another tale, the hot party that is little whom simply keeps dancing away on the roof associated with stylish South Beach disco, where then she strips and does the Horizontal Hustle in the front of the neon indication.
J.J. North, Attack of this 60-Foot Centerfold, within the name role, for saying, “Help me personally, i am huge! ” and, “I’m a big girl–i can care for myself. “
While the champion is. Patti Davis, Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis, wherein she reveals her weakness for “guys in undershirts and tattered jeans that turn out to be your preference that is downfall”–a that somehow linked to her memories of bodysurfing along with her dad.
“Water is definitely a tremendously healing thing for me personally, ” she states, prior to a hunk walks from the surf and starts kissing every inches of her hula-skirted bod.
This really is prior to the sci-fi dream where she dresses such as a hooker, dials up an ideal guy plus the perfect girl on her behalf computer, then waits into a sandwich for them to appear in a cloud of dry ice, tie her to the bed, and basically make her.
Most readily useful Shauna that is femme-Fatale O’Brien buddy for the Family, because the walking Goodwill box who rings the doorbell 1 day, introduces by herself to your stepmom as a classic buddy of a buddy, and ultimately ends up set up into the visitor home, where she’s got intercourse with everybody in the family members.
Most Breasts Playboy Celebrity Centerfold: Patti Davis: 90.
Most useful Movie The runners-up are. Attack of this 60-Foot Centerfold, the epic featuring J.J. North because the ditzy blonde whom takes just a couple a lot of breast-enhancement medications and ultimately ends up stomping around Malibu just like the Godzilla Illustrated swimsuit problem.
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Return regarding the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the very first decent sequel to your greatest drive-in movie ever made, about two prom-night partners who have lost down on the road, the place where a creepy redneck known as W.E. Roams around in a satanic wrecker, gathering systems and quoting literary works and trapping teen-age girls in gunny sacks.
Together with champion is. America’s Deadliest Residence movie, the best movie ever produced in Racine, Wisconsin, featuring Danny Bonaduce being a nerdy spouse in deep love with their camcorder who eventually ends up camfuze operating through the legislation with three convenience-store professionals who decide they kinda like having their exploits recorded on tape.
Spinal Tap satisfies Natural Born Killers. Yet again, we’d no overlap utilizing the other honors with the word “Academy” into the name (copyright suit pending).
C. 1996 Joe Bob Briggs (written by NYT features that are special